Believing in others keeps us stuck in a place of indecision. It means giving up ourselves to serve another, the person that goes to battle daily. Regardless of the motivation or how clean the fight is, we find peace in knowing that we are a part of something. We don’t exactly want to know the details, this way we can avoid taking responsibility for any outcomes that might scare us.
Putting all our belief in the value of others and their mission is simply avoiding our own desires, putting our own voice on mute and redirecting attention to the loudest guy out there.
We are used to hiding, we have techniques for making it look purposeful and important. We support someone elses cause, isn’t that sharing love? Supporting a creative effort of someone we want to see win at life? Not really. We don’t actually mind where they are going to end up at the end of their journey. We might tag along the whole way, or will most likely drop out at some point, when things become too demanding, when we are actually asked to get involved and take action.
We are not on this rollercoaster out of the urge to change the world, we are here because we appear to be living, without having to actually lift our heads and stare life in the eye. This is not our battle, we are happiest when the rollercoaster breaks down and we end up stuck on the very top, no way to get out (it’s out of our hands), no option to help ourselves. How relaxing.
Believing in others is a blindfold we wear to avoid our own truth.
It is great to support someone’s ideas, longings, projects - as long as we are contributing consciously, with awareness of how our part will influence shaping the end result and more so - how it will make it better. Then it’s time to move on and leave the other person to carry on fuelled by your love and the work you have put in. it is not ok to cling on to someone and their mission because we don’t know what else to do.
We are masters of deceit, we are great at looking busy and important while drying up inside. As long as we succeed at hiding our emotions, as long as no one notices, we are safe in the world, at least until the night comes. We will somehow last through the darkness and start all over again at sunrise. We are getting very good at this. Practice makes progress, right?
I found my old diary today. I don’t usually read my own writing, especially the personal bits. I see it as a momentary action, a way to organise my thoughts, pour some questions out on paper, maybe find answers to a few. I don’t ever intend to go back and dwell on the problems of yesterday. But today I did. I read a line and it struck me like thunder.
Not too long ago I took a five day trip to my motherland. Alone. A lot can shift in a person when solitude is the only option. One of the things I felt I needed to do was to go to this particular restaurant, I don’t actually know why. I tried to talk myself out of it, it was out of the way, I had to ask for directions, it was cold and dark and I was very hungry after travelling. But in a moment of stillness i heard myself think about the article I read about it and the people that might be there and I realised I don’t need to know why I want to go there, all I need to know is that I want to go there and let the voice win. So I went, the food was good, I had a lovely time, spent far too much on a stake. But I won that day. I won because I honoured the voice that pushed me in that direction. Seemingly nothing life changing happened in the restaurant - but something extraordinary happened inside of me. I realised that I don’t need to justify every desire that wakes up in my soul. I don’t need to understand every move I make, I just need to let myself guide me. The sense of fulfillment was humongous, so interesting, taking into account that all I did was have lunch. I did what I wanted to do without judgement. Isn’t that the gate to longer strolls deeper towards our innate source of knowing exactly who we are and how to live?
Before you can believe in others, you need to figure out who believes in you - and it better be yourself. All the words others present you with to cheer you on the way, all the dinners, drunken conversations about the realities of life are a survival strategy - for that person who believes in you so that they can come along for the ride. So that they don’t have to take responsibility. Unless you are very lucky to have friends who grow every day and carry you closer to the top of the mountain, every day. But - unless you yourself are a person that does the same for your closest ones, I doubt it. We are the sum of people we spend time with. Not so surprising then that the vicious cycle of despair rules our lives. We are so used to it that we find comfort in hiding and pretending to try a bite of change every now and then.
Before you can believe in others, you need to open your heart. To life. To your own experience of how you experience what’s happening around you, what you feel when you create and what you feel when you don’t. Do you become a different person then? When are you at your best, when are you on the growth path? Universe expands every day, and so should you. There is no constant, you either go forward or you are left behind - there is no such thing as hanging out in the current situation, the situation is never just the same as it was yesterday.
Do you know your own worth? Do you know your capacity to withstand the hurricanes on your path, are you equipped to stand strong and watch them pass, or are you stretching your hands out waiting to be swept up into the chaos? Are you choosing what your heart tells you is the next step for your expansion, or are you expecting life to push you back and drop you in another moment of despair - that familiar place you can talk about to justify your inability to conquer your own path? Are you ready to fight? The fighting is not about violence, it is not about putting someone else down. Showing up to participate in the search for your individually crafted trail through this world, is the necessary tool you need to acquire. It is as necessary as it is soothing. Knowing what you stand for and the realisation that you are in fact changing, getting to know yourself, is enough to awaken the fuzzy feeling of comfort within. Even if there is a storm ahead, even if you don’t know exactly what is going to happen tomorrow, even if the skies look grey. You might not know exactly what you are doing yet, what the whole picture will reveal, but you now know why you are doing it and this is life changing.
You are showing up to embracing your true nature every day through listening to the voice of your inner desires. You don’t need to understand everything right now, but you need to learn to let go and be guided. Thinking is great - when you have two minutes to figure out your way out of a potential car crash on the way to work - and sometimes not thinking is a blessing. We talk when we have something to say, in the same fashion we can choose to think when there is something to think about. Sometimes thinking has no business being in your head, sometimes being who you feel you are is the thing that brings most understanding.
So believe in others for good reasons. First decide what reason is good enough for you. But before all that - believe in yourself. The rest will figure itself out.
You can resist your destiny and fulfilment for a long time. But not forever.
The page in my old notebook read this : “Longing for something without a tangible reason is probably the purest feeling we can experience and the most deserving of our adoration. Our inner voice knows the reason for this desire to arise. It also knows that one day we will realise how essential fulfilling this desire is for us to succeed at climbing our mountain, for growth, for accessing our greatness. We don’t need to know that intellectually. We only need to trust ourselves fully and rejoice in knowing that we were given yet another chance to face the unknown. Failure doesn’t hurt us. Failure makes us stronger, then brings about a second, then a third chance to keep us going. Doesn’t this mean our joy is tripled in the end”?
I knew this 16 years ago. Life seems to think I need to revisit the lesson. Don’t we all?.
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